To my dearest friend:
We met years ago at that fateful lunch table, when you asked, “Can I sit here?” and I answered, “Go away!” but you sat down anyways. Our friendship was stoic until one day you gave me a stale mayonnaise sandwich and my heart softened. From that day onwards, it was dry potato chips, grainy applesauce, slimy fish sticks. But soon the day came when we could share half-eaten pudding cups and I knew that I could fully trust you.
And it has finally come to this day, the final milestone of our friendship: garlic flavored chewing gum. It has been the most considerate and functional present I have ever received. Because of your pure thoughtfulness, I can live my life without fear of unwanted flirting, prolonged conversation, and uncomfortable situations. Thank you for your courageous actions. Even though, to this day, we still eat lunch alone, I’d still rather have you than all the friends in the world.